|The Story of Davis VS Joliath|
Davis was the bastard creation of Gammy Leg Jesse. Jesse had lain with Jane (a white haired woman, with a hump and black flavoured eyes.) Jane begat a daughter named Medusa who had webbed feet. Once Medusa had come of age to bear child Jesse had also lain also with her. Then Medusa gave birth to a son, whom she called Davis, as was her wont.
Davis worked with his father/grand father tending to their vast fields of moonshine brewing in bathtubs. Davis would oft wander the acres drunk keeping watch over the alcohol filled livestock. Twin six shooters in hands Davis was prepared to face off any animal or Mishingtan BA boys looking for a freaky time. One time Davis took on a group of 3 coyotes, 2 bears, 15 eagles and a sabre tooth tiger! Armed with only drunken fighting spirit, sharp groin kicks and a mean sucker punch. Living and fighting with nature made Davis a vengeful angry young man.
Whilst twanging his golden banjo (made from years of ore mining) down at the local mud hole having his daily dose of vitamin whiskey, Davis was getting soused with some AWOL soldiers. But suddenly the ground started trembling due to a pounding similar to the thunder of the gods. Then before them standing nine and three-quarter foot tall was the giant Joliath!
Dr Joliath the teacher/volunteer care worker!!
The monster bellowed songs of joy and laughter drowning out Davis’s banjo. Davis immediately staggered up and wade his away through his empty bottles. He squared up to the gargantuan, looking him fiercely in the eye. Then calmly Davis tensed up, opened his trouser fly and soiled all over the Behemoth’s boots. Joliath just smiled and said in reply “friend, I have no quarrel with ye, come let me buy you many drinks for I am blessed in riches yet charitable in heart. What say you?”
Davis jumped up and head-butted Joliath in the groin,
Yet Joliath seemed un-phased and smiled once again and said in reply “friend, I will not fight you, however I am prepared to defend myself, as is my right like every other man to be safe from harm or tyranny, However I warn you my many kind deeds have rewarded me with a supernatural immunity to harm, so let us end this folly and rejoice at the beginning of friendship, what say you?”
So Davis whipped out his hidden “Twin Double Barrelled Celebration Boom Sticks” and shot that big fat friendly giant right in his freakin’ face!!
Joliath’s head exploded like egg in a microwave and Davis stood above his smoking neck stump and said, “How you like them apples… Hagrid.” And the people ran through the streets screaming, “Davis is coming, Davis is coming.” So all was well in the eyes of Davis. And after many robbed Joliath’s prone corpse and bought plenty a drink with his riches he large nourishing frame was enough to keep the men at the mud hole well fed till the winters came.
And behold Davis went ever on and later he begat a daughter named Delia, who whilst being a virgin begat a son, Him, our saviour, Praise Alvis!
Contributed by Ryan