|(Being the first book of the Testament of Alvis, the lord.)|
Lo, it came to be, that Alvis came upon a brothel, a particularly seedy place, in the heart of the Red Light District of New Orleans.
Here, Alvis planned a night of drunken tomfoolery, and to lay with several comely women. But as is his wont, he had little money, the women, though they be comely, and heaving of bosom would not bed with him, unless he paid them.
Alvis, being sober at this point, and quite angry by the fact, began shooting up the bar, until one young man, a one legged Chinaman, beseeched him to tell of his life, and the story of his miracle birth. Thus, Wan-Ball-Hung-Lo saw the light, and became the first of Alvis’ disciples.
Paying Alvis a handsome sum to relay his story, and message of drinking and revenge, Alvis was now able to get piss drunk, and to have his way with many of the Brothel’s mistresses., for his part, Wan-Ball was allowed ‘sloppy seconds’ with any of the mistresses Alvis had previously bedded.
Then, as it came closer to midnight, the brothel filled with many seedy folks, fools, drunkards, hillbillies, and the scum of the earth, and each, in their turn bedded many of the prostitutes of the house. As they became drunker, and less inhibited, they too were parted with their money, to hear the story of Revenge, as told by the Miracle Son, Alvis.
The first of which was Wan-Ball, who was followed in blessing by Whittlin’ Zeke, Surly Joe, and Two-Fisted Bill…….when they had seen the light, and that it was good, they, in their turn began their ministry, Whittlin’ Zeke was taken with the holy spirit of revenge, and killed an entire town, for letting a pig run for mayor, he then changed his name to Whittlin’ Jake, for he had seen that his name was heathenous, and spiteful of the Lord Alvis. These four were the first of the Disciples of Alvis, though many would surely follow.
Following the massacre at Fort Wadsworth, Alvis re-named the fort and it became his Chapel, “The Flophouse of Flaggerty Fjord”, from here, Alvis preached the gospel, and set about his plots for revenge. Riding out from the Flophouse, Alvis, and his disciples, known now as “The Fightin’ Drunken Fisticuff Four” As there were only four of them at this time, decimated the outlying towns, by giving them gifts of toilet paper, that had been exposed to Gonorrhea.
As the outlying towns cowered in fear of Alvis, it became the duty of the governor, to finally issue a warrant for his arrest, Alvis, being of divine birth, would not be brought in so easily, as the reward was a paltry 600 pesos, Alvis began a quest to one-up the Governor, as many gunfighters arrived at Fort Wadsworth, to lay waste to Alvis, he would ride out, and offer them 1000 pesos to let him live. As the assassins rode away, Alvis would quickly slap iron, and gun them down, their bodies, and that of their horses would then be used to slop the hogs, the bones would be strung up to the walls of the fort, as a warning to those who would attempt to corrupt the divine word, and acts of Alvis.
It was just such an action that led a young gunfighter’s heart to the truth of Alvis. Having been sent, on a killing spree by the governor, to bring Alvis, and his posse back dead or alive, a young Mexican boy, by the name of Paco Tacobueno, came to the fort. Alvis, being of kind heart, but fighting spirit, quickly shot the legs off of Paco’s horse. Paco, seeing the divine light of Alvis’ drunken spirit, quickly leapt from the horse, and began firing at Alvis. But Alvis was incapable of dying by any bullet made by Man, and all Paco succeeded in doing, was shooting off the tip of Alvis’ Cigar…..
Alvis, in his infinite wisdom, and being pleased by the boy’s skill, only shot the boy’s thumb off for his transgression. The Boy, seeing the error of his ways, begged Alvis for his life. Alvis regaled the boy with the story of his birth, and being Alvis, performed his first miracle……he gave Syphilis to the Governor. Witnessing such a wondrous and miraculous man, Paco Tacobueno promised always to follow Alvis, and fight with him in his never ending quest for revenge.
And there, children lies the story of the Five Disciples of Alvis, each man lived by the teachings of our savior, and each man died most horribly, at the hands of lawmen, and bounty hunters. Let their sacrifice be your salvation! And May all who doubt the word of Alvis burn in hellfire forever!
written by Saint Justin of Absinth